


The chill

by Builder



Series: Heroverse [20]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sickfic, Steve Rogers Has Issues, not really but that's my tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 17:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Builder/pseuds/Builder
Summary: “Just…give it a rest, Buck.  I’m ok,” he mutters.“You wouldn’t, if it was me.”  Bucky looks at him unblinkingly, his mouth slightly open.  Steve wants to kiss him.  He also wants to throw up.Emotion curdles in his throat and sticks to his tongue as he sighs and whispers, “Right.”  Steve swallows hard.  His face is already wet enough that it won’t matter if tears fall.  He doesn’t need to fight that too.





	The chill

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is by far the best thing I've produced (sorry, that's me being full of myself) in terms of imagery and relatable feelings in a distinctly un-relatable situation. I know this not-quite-sickfic-angstfic genre is very unpopular, but I hope a few people take the time to read and process and enjoy. It's not often that I'm so proud of my work, but this one I feel really glows a bit brighter than the rest.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @builder051

The rain starts to fall as they round the block behind the high school’s football field.  It’s only the beginning of the third mile, and there’s a long way left to go. 

Steve looks up at the sky without breaking pace.  A fat drop hits him in the middle of the forehead as he squints up at the clouds.  He wipes his brow and looks to Bucky jogging beside him. 

“You wanna turn around?” Steve asks. 

Bucky shakes his head.  “Rain won’t hurt me.  I’m not made of sugar.”

Steve laughs.  “You sure about that?”

 “Yeah.  I think I’m just about anything but.” 

“Oh, I don’t know.  The way you’ve gotten into cooking lately, you’re turning into a regular housewife.”

“A little like you before the war, eh?”  Bucky raises his eyebrows. 

“I guess so,” Steve says. “It is getting to be kind of like old times again.  Except now I can race you.”  He pushes himself into a sprint.  Bucky doesn’t miss a beat and speeds up to match.

Neither of them tire easily, so they keep up the pace for the rest of the mile.  When they turn onto the main drag, a woman with a dog and an umbrella is coming down the sidewalk, so Steve slows to a fast walk and files in behind Bucky. 

Now that he’s not pushing himself, Steve’s chest heaves from the exertion.  He’s not exactly winded, but each inhale burns as he sucks in the cold, humid air.

Bucky gets to the corner and seems to realize Steve isn’t beside him.  “Hey.”  He looks over his shoulder.   “You ok?”

“Yeah.”  Steve quickly catches up.  It’s not cold enough to see his breath, but he could swear a thin fog is developing in front of him.  Goosebumps erupt down his arms and make the hairs stand up.  As he picks up his pace again, he rubs them back down. 

“Ok.”  Bucky shakes his damp hair out of his eyes.  “But we don’t have to do this.  There are other ways to spend quality time together.”  The corners of his lips twitch.  “Like a long hot shower.” 

Steve tries to smile back, but uneasiness prickles up his spine.  He fights the desire to look over his shoulder.  Bucky’s been doing so well lately.  Why can’t he have a good day to match? 

“It’s probably the same distance to finish the loop,” Steve says.  “No sense in turning back halfway.”

“Fair enough.”  Bucky steps in a puddle, sending splashes of cold water onto Steve’s legs.  Another shiver runs through him. He’s glad he’s running.  He doesn’t want Bucky to notice the shallowness of his breaths.

Steve doesn’t remember being on the ice.  Maybe if he did, he’d realize there’s nothing to be afraid of.  He was just asleep. What he does recall is the plane turning nose down.  The impact with the water.  The knowledge he was going to die.  And the hope he’d get to see Bucky again.

 _You did see him again_ , Steve thinks.   _You have him back.  Now pull yourself together_.  Steve shakes his head and promptly trips over the curb. 

“Whoa, ok,” Bucky says, catching Steve around the waist as he stumbles.  “Here.”  He shoves Steve toward a bench at a bus stop in the middle of the block.  He forces him to sit on the cold, wet seat and plops down beside him. 

“What’s up?” Bucky asks shortly.

“I…nothing.  I’m fine,” Steve says.  But he wraps his arms around his chest.  He has to clench his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering.

“Bullshit.”

Bucky’s gotten good at speaking his mind.  It reminds Steve of the old days, and somehow that makes everything worse.

“Just…give it a rest, Buck.  I’m ok,” he mutters.

“You wouldn’t, if it was me.”  Bucky looks at him unblinkingly, his mouth slightly open.  Steve wants to kiss him.  He also wants to throw up. 

Emotion curdles in his throat and sticks to his tongue as he sighs and whispers, “Right.”  Steve swallows hard.  His face is already wet enough that it won’t matter if tears fall.  He doesn’t need to fight that too.

“We can stay here as long as you need,” Bucky says firmly, pressing his shoulder against Steve’s.  “I’m ok.” 

In the cold, he means.  He’s not going to have a flashback or a breakdown because of the trigger.  Steve knows him well enough that he doesn’t need to finish his sentence.  But at the same time, they’re too estranged for Steve to tell him he’s triggered by the same things. 

“It’s not right,” Steve bursts out.  “You were with Hydra, and I was…I just…”  He bites his lip.

“So what?”  Bucky tucks his arm behind Steve’s back and holds him close.

“I have no right to be upset about what happened to me.  It was nothing.”

“That’s not true.” Bucky murmurs.

“Yes it is.  Compared to you, it was nothing.  Literally.  I slept.  That’s it.”  Steve swipes the heel of his hand under his eyes.

“We’re not comparing.  Shit happened.”  Bucky shrugs.  “Sometimes it’s easy to push down, sometimes it’s not.”

“I should be able to deal with it,” Steve says.

“You do deal with it.  You’re just…having a bad moment.”  Bucky rests his cheek on top of Steve’s wet hair for a moment. “How can we fix it?”

“I don’t know,” Steve breathes.  “I’m just cold.”

“The let’s go home.”  Bucky stands and reaches for Steve’s hands.  “I think you owe me a nice hot shower.”

Steve hesitates, then lets himself crack a smile.  “Oh, I owe you one?”  He gets to his feet.

Bucky grins.  “Or maybe I owe you this time.”

 


End file.
